Hold On
by Keiko
Summary: Tasuki's dying, and as he sleeps, Tamahome has to deal with the pain of knowing that his lover might not wake up tomorrow. Songfic to Sarah Mclachlan's 'Hold On' Yaoi


Hold On  
By: Keiko Nakamoto  
Disclaimer: I don't own the series, I don't own the song. The song is Sarah McLachlan's, the series is some big companies'   
Notes: *shrugs* I was bored. It's yaoi.  
  
~ * ~  
  
~~  
Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
For this is gonna hurt like hell  
~~  
  
Tamahome crawled into a large soft bed, careful not to disturb the other person.  
  
"You okay?" he asked quietly, pushing hair off his lover's face. The other boy whimpered and curled into a ball. Tears filled Tamahome's eyes. Tasuki had been getting weaker every day, and even Mitsukake couldn't help him.  
  
"I'm...fine..." Tasuki whispered, pulling the white sheets around him. Tamahome looked at him sadly. He wasn't sure how much longer the redhead was going to be alive to claim that. He knew that, could feel that Tasuki was in a lot of pain, and was quickly slipping away.  
  
~~  
Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
You know that only time can tell   
~~  
  
He crawled under the blankets and pulled Tasuki to him.  
  
"You know I love you right?" he whispered. Tasuki nodded weakly.  
  
"Love you too..." he answered. Tamahome nodded and hugged him gently, hoping that the one person that he truly loved would get better soon.  
  
~~  
What is it in me that refuses to believe  
This isn't easier than the real thing  
My love, you know you're my best friend  
You know that I'd do anything for you  
And my love, let nothing come between us  
My love for you is strong and true   
~~  
  
A while ago, before they were 'together', Tamahome remembered making a promise with Tasuki.  
  
'We'll be friends forever, right?' Tasuki had said. Tamahome had grinned and took his hand.  
  
'Yup, we'll always be there for each other.' He had said happily. 'Help each other through everything.'  
  
'Till the end?'  
  
'Till the end.'  
  
Now, Tamahome was afraid that the end was coming too soon.  
  
"I love you so much." He whispered into Tasuki's hair. "I always will."  
  
Tasuki smiled weakly.  
  
"Me...too..."  
  
Tamahome's eyes filled again with tears. Now what? 'Help each other through anything'? How?   
  
~~  
Am I in heaven here  
Or am I...  
At the crossroads I am standing  
~~  
  
Tasuki cuddled closer to Tamahome as he drifted off to sleep. Tamahome held him tightly, and thought to himself. He was stuck. He didn't know what to do anymore. He could, even now, feel Tasuki slipping away, ready to leave him. He didn't know if he could stand to lose him. He just didn't know what to do. Wasn't like he had too many choices either, though.  
  
Leave Tasuki, to be spared the pain of having a lover die? But the pain would still be there. It wouldn't do any good. Scratch that option.  
  
Stay with Tasuki, then find someone else? He didn't think he could do it. Couldn't just move on like that. Scratch that option.  
  
Stay with Tasuki, then kill himself? He could do that. He could. But, would that be the right answer?  
  
Stay with Tasuki, then live the rest of his life alone, waiting to see Tasuki again? He could do that too, but it would hurt, it would hurt so much to live with out him. To live without Tasuki.  
  
But right now, now what? When Tasuki wakes up tomorrow, weaker still, what will he say? What will he do?  
  
~~  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
And I lie awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And we'll see another day  
And we will praise it  
And love the light that brings a smile across your face   
~~  
  
Sleeping, so beautiful, as though nothing was wrong...  
  
Tamahome choked back a sob as he watched Tasuki sleep. This just couldn't be happening. Tasuki couldn't be leaving, it had to all be a dream! It had to be! It just HAD to be! This was all just some nightmare! Right? RIGHT?! He would wake up and Tasuki would grin a him and say that he had overslept! Tasuki would pull him out of bed, kiss him and tell him that Miaka already ate all of his breakfast. Right?! He began to cry quietly.  
  
Of course this wasn't a dream. It was real, and there was nothing he could do about it.  
  
"Oh God, if you're out there, won't you hear me?" he cried, squeezing his eyes shut, tears still flowing. "I know that we've never talked before, but, oh God, the man I love is leaving. Won't you take him when he comes to your door?"  
  
'Please...'  
  
~~  
Am I in heaven here  
Or am I in hell?  
At the crossroads I am standing  
~~  
  
'What do I do?'  
  
~~  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
And I lie awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And we'll see another day  
And we will praise it  
And love the light that brings a smile  
~~  
  
He lay there all night, hoping that Tasuki would wake up tomorrow, good as new. Wake up grinning, ready to go to breakfast and drink sake while arguing with Nuriko. Just like he used to. But in his heart he knew it wouldn't happen.  
  
And it hurt.  
  
It hurt more than anything that had ever happened to him. It hurt to know that the one person left in the world that he _truly_ loved was dying. Was going to be gone forever...  
  
So he lay there. He lay there and thought of all the times he had spent with Tasuki. Thought about when they first met, and Tasuki hated him, and how they became rivals. Then how they eventually became friends, and from being friends to being lovers.  
  
He thought about how Tasuki would argue with Nuriko and get thrown through a wall. How he would flirt with Chichiri, and try to play chess with Chiriko. How he would 'Lekka Shinen' Tamahome, then kiss him and apologize later. How he acted like an overprotective big brother around Miaka. And how he was always a little nervous around Hotohori. And how he would......  
  
~~  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
And I lie awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And we'll see another day  
And we will praise it  
And love the light that brings a smile across your face.  
~~  
  
Tamahome did eventually fall asleep, and the next morning he woke up in a good mood.   
  
Then he realized that Tasuki, Tasuki wouldn't be waking up yet. Not now, not in the afternoon, not ever. Tasuki had left, he had gone quietly while Tamahome was asleep.   
  
And it hurt even more than the knowledge that this was coming had.  
  
There were no words to describe how much it hurt. It was unbearable. And Tamahome cried. He collapsed on the floor and cried like he had never cried before.  
  
Sitting quietly in the shadows was a pale young man, tears streaming down his face. He looked, faded, like he had been partly erased, or like he was a faint picture on glass. You could see right through him. And most couldn't see him at all.  
  
'Tama...I'm sorry.' He whispered, unheard by all but himself. Then he left. Simply turned around and vanished, head down.  
  
And Tamahome cried still.  
  
~~  
Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
For this is gonna hurt like hell...  
~~  
  
~ Owari  



End file.
